


Make a Wish When Your Childhood Dies

by sharingthesky



Series: Lance angst [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, It ends happy I promise, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Langst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-11-23 10:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11401062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharingthesky/pseuds/sharingthesky
Summary: Lance is very much not okay





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: THIS DEALS WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ALCOHOLISM AND THE LIKE, STAY SAFE!
> 
> This is definitely a vent fic, I had to get some thoughts out.
> 
> Title from the song S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W by My Chemical Romance

He was tired, and he had been for _so_ long - ever since his father decided to cheat on his mother which lead to her intense alcohol abuse. He was tired of taking care of his mother, tired of feeling alone and like no one really cared, tired of feeling completely helpless and useless.

And all this when he was just twelve years old.

 

Now he was nineteen, living in an alien castle with six other people and flew a giant robot lion. And still, he feels so tired, so useless, so unneeded. He’s surrounded by amazingly talented individuals and he himself has nothing to offer. Hunk and Pidge were geniuses, Shiro and Allura were great leaders, Coran knew everything there is to know about the castle and if complications arose, could fix it with ease(usually).

And then there was Keith.

 

Keith with is stupid mullet and amazing set of skills. He was inarguably the best pilot of the bunch, extremely skilled at martial arts and the way he handled his bayard was a sight to behold. It looked like he was born to fight.

And Lance was kind of in love with him.

Fuck.

 

But what did Lance bring to the table? He was a pretty great shot, sure, but otherwise, he was completely overshadowed by the others. He wasn’t a genius, a good leader, or good at close hand combat. He just kind of… was.

The fifth wheel of Voltron. Or seventh, if you counted the Alteans.

 

It was something he was pretty used to, though. He was never the smartest or strongest. He was never anyone’s number one.

Sometimes though, his mind got too much and he couldn’t take it anymore - that’s when he would cut. Wrists, calves, ankles. It was the only way to get the _bad_ out.

He felt so full of _something_ , something that he needed to get out of his body. It was like all the horrible feelings and thoughts from his mind bled into his bloodstream and he felt like exploding.

So he cut.

He needed to _get it out_.

  


Hunk was the only one from the team that knew. He’d seen Lance at his worst, had been at the other end of the line when Lance called him stood on a roof, wanting to jump off. Hunk was always there for him, but the fact that no one else on the team knew put a strain on their mental link while forming Voltron. He kept everyone at an arm’s length, and the team was starting to notice.

That’s probably why Allura made them do the weird mind meld thing again, claiming they “weren’t acting like one being while becoming Voltron.”

They sat in a circle with their eyes closed, Lance trying to push away the uncomfortable feeling at the back of his mind. He was going to be fine. No one had to know.

But then Allura's voice rang out.

  


"Lance, think about your worst memory."

And the thing is, when four other people are in his head with him, he can't hide. He can't stop the flow of images in his mind.

  


_He could hear a high pitched beeping through a tired haze, and he instantly panicked, gasping - and then he found out he could hardly breathe. The air was thick with smoke, and he could hear his mother in the kitchen._

_He ran to her as fast as he could - was she hurt? Is there a big fire? Why is his mother so calm?_

_When he got to the kitchen, his mother was turning off the smoke detector, clearly black out drunk. Apparently, she'd tried to make soup at four in the morning and passed out. Lance was glad there was no damage done to the apartment or his mother, but the smoke couldn't be in any way healthy._

_"Mamá?" he tried to get her attention but she just walked past him to the living room and immediately fell asleep on the couch._

_"Mamá! Wake up!"_

 

_He was crying. He could hardly breathe, and he didn't even want to know what this could do to his mother's lungs if she stayed there. But she wasn't waking up._

_He stumbled to the bathroom to breathe clearer air. The smell of burnt food was overwhelming, and he wasn't sure if the tears that spilled out of his eyes were because of the smell or his worry. Probably a compilation of the two._

_He was getting hysterical. He couldn't breathe, the smoke was spreading to the bathroom and oh god he needed fresh air, and he needed it soon. He went to grab some clothes out of his closet and bolted out the door to breathe._

_All of his clothes smelled awful. He could tell the smell of burnt food was going to be seared into his brain for years, and so would the humiliation of going to school smelling worse than a sewer. It was truly something a twelve-year-old shouldn't go through._

  


Another flashback started up. He didn't realize it, but he was going into a panic attack.

  


_He was on the roof this time, and he could hear Hunk's voice over the phone. His brain was a mess, it was like a million voices were screaming at him at once, most of them telling him to just jump off already._

_He stared at his arms, full of scars and a few open cuts._

  


_"Lance, buddy? Try to breathe with me, please."_

_Hunk was being way too good to him._

_"Hunk, I- I can't. I just want to die. I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to-" he broke off with a sob. God, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't see, someone needs to **help him!**_

  


“Lance!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunk is a good bean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm v sorry for being a horrible writer tbh i hope this is ok

His eyes finally flew open to see the entire team looking at him, everyone seeming extremely worried. Pidge was actually crying from their place under Hunk's comforting arm, and Keith looked more distraught than Lance had ever seen him.

"You with us, Lance?" that was Shiro. His hand was gently placed on Lance's arm, grounding him.

 

"I, uh... I gotta go."

 

Then he ran, ignoring the calls of his name, not even hearing his headset hit the ground.

He ran, as fast as his long legs could carry him, to his room. He wasn't sure if he even locked the door, his head swimming and eyes unable to focus on anything. All he could do was crawl into his bed and curl up against the wall, chest convulsing with sobs.

 

They knew.

 

They all knew how pathetic and fucked up he was, how he could never really deal with the weight of the universe on his shoulders.

 

That's how Hunk found him a few minutes later, knees tucked up to his chest, tears falling onto his jeans. Hunk had seen him like this countless times, but every time Lance felt like he was showing something he shouldn't, that he should just suck it up so Hunk wouldn't have to deal with his shit.

Hunk just sat beside him, gently reminding him to breathe, and removing Lance's hands from where they were either tugging at his own hair or hitting his face.

The intensity with which Lance wanted to hurt himself still terrified him if he was being honest. Lance deserved so much better, he deserved love and happiness, and it hurt him to see his best friend like this.

 

After around twenty minutes, Lance started to calm down. His eyes became focused instead of looking straight through everything. His breathing slowed down, only interrupted but a few hiccups, and his shoulders started to relax.

 

"Hey, buddy. You want a hug?" Hunk asked, smiling gently at his friend.

"Yeah," Lance choked out, managing a small smile himself - there was nothing better than Hunk's big bear hugs, after all.

Big arms circled him, bringing his head to rest on a warm chest. Lance loved hugs more than anything, really. They made him feel safe and warm, and they reminded him of his family.

 

"No one thinks you're weak and stupid, you know? Everybody cares about you so much," Hunk said, petting Lance's soft hair.

"You don't know that..."

"Yes, I do actually. Pidge was freaking out because they don't want to lose another brother, and Keith looked so emotionally constipated. He was probably so confused since he couldn't actually stab the thing that was causing you harm."

Yeah, that sounds like Keith.

"Shiro was asking a bunch of questions about your triggers and, well, everything. He was so worried he'd done something to make you feel bad without even knowing. Allura and Coran were also just yelling questions about medication and stuff."

"Did you- did you tell them anything?" Lance asked, overwhelmed with the information.

"No, I just said you'd tell them if you want to."

 

Lance leaned away from Hunk's grip, wiping at his face and eyes. God, crying made him tired.

 

"I look like a mess, don't I?" Lance laughed, though he was still sniffling.

"Yeah, you kinda do," Hunk said, chuckling a bit as well. It was good to see Lance smile after such an intense panic attack.

"The others are waiting in the living room, by the way. If you're not up to seeing them, I can go tell them you're alright, so they'll stop worrying."

 

Lance thought for a moment. He was so, so tired from crying, and still pretty terrified of what the others might say, even after what he saw and what Hunk had told him.

But he had to see them at some point anyway, so it would probably be better to just get it over with as soon as possible.

 

"I'll come with you."

"You sure? It's ok if you wanna stay here," Hunk said, placing a hand on Lance's shoulder.

 

Lance smiled and his friend, patting the hand on his shoulder.

 

"Yeah, just gimme a sec to fix my hair," he said, getting off the bed. He wandered to his mirror and proceeded to try to flatten the hair he was pulling at earlier.

"What, you don't wanna look stupid in front of Keith? Since you loooove him?" Hunk teased, smirking as a blush spread across Lance's face.

“Shut up, asshat,” he mumbled.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS TOOK 84 YEARS I'M SO SORRY!  
> I finally started going to school again after 2 years of just doing nothing bc of my mental health, so I've been pretty caught up with that. But, it's here. I've continued. And there will be one more chapter after this!

As they walked down the corridors, Lance was starting to get scared again. Would the team really care about him, or would they just be furious he hid all of this for so long, it becoming a hindrance while fighting? The way Allura practically forced his secrets out really was kind of shitty...

Would he just have to leave Voltron? Allura could pilot Blue, become a way better paladin than Lance ever was, and they wouldn't have to deal with the strain his mental health brought to the process of forming Voltron. Yeah, that really would be better...  


Hunk noticed Lance had started digging his nails into the back of his hands.  


"Hey, stop that. You're thinking too much," he said softly, taking one of Lance's hands in his to stop the other from hurting himself. Again.  


"No one hates you, I promise."

  


And there they were, in front of the door that separated them from the rest of the team, and Lance's chest felt like it was crushing his heart and lungs.

On the other side of the door was the rest of the team, sitting on couches, looking to be in different states of distress. As they stepped inside, Pidge made a beeline towards them and gave Lance a good hard punch to the arm.  


"Ow, what the hell, Pidge?"  


"Don't run away like that, asshole! We were so worried! What if you hurt yourself, what if you... fuck, Lance. What if you died?" their voice broke at the end, and Lance couldn't take it anymore. He wrapped his long arms tightly around his friend.  


"It's ok, I'm alright. I'm so sorry for making you all worry."  


"Why did you not tell us about this, Lance?" Allura asked, stepping forward. Pidge let go of him, watching him while he answered.  


"I, uh..." damn, how was he supposed to explain everything that went on in his head? He stared at the floor. That could take hours. "Well, when this all started it really wasn't a problem, you know? I was on medication and doing way better than... before."  


Everyone was looking at him intently. It was sort of unnerving.  


"But then, I guess my brain just decided to fuck me over again after I finished all the meds I had with me, and you all had other things to worry about. Other, way more important things than me," he mumbled out the last part. Why is talking about feelings so hard?

"I didn't want to be a burden to any one of you," he said, and finally had the courage to take a look at the team. They all looked so sad, and Lance felt horrible for being the one to make them feel that way. This is exactly what he wanted to avoid.

It was Shiro who stepped up next, and Lance was surprised to see his eyes were red-rimmed from crying.  


"Lance, you're a valued member of this team, of this _family_. You could never be a burden," he said, placing his hand on Lance's arm, just like before.  


Lance was starting to feel very distant.  


"I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me. Just know that from now on, you can come speak to me whenever you want or need to. You can speak to any one of us."  


Shiro was being so sincere, but Lance just felt numb and found it hard to find the words to answer his leader.  


"Yeah..." he mumbled, eyes falling towards the floor again. He felt so strange. And of course, Hunk noticed immediately.  


"What's going on now, buddy? Talk to us," he said, finally coming to stand in front of him instead of next to him.

The team waited patiently.  


"I... I feel numb. I feel like... I'm trapped in a small portion of my brain. Like that little corner of my mind feels things, but it's so far away."  


His speech was slower than usual. He couldn't really feel his mouth properly.  


"Do you need to rest? Or... something?" Allura asked, slightly panicked. She wasn't quite sure how to help, but it was sweet that she at least tried.  


"No, I... I actually think it's better if we talk this through now so my feelings won't stop me from opening up," Lance said. Might as well take advantage of the horrible way he was feeling.  


They all made their way to the couch, Coran sitting down to the left of Lance, holding his hand in his pale one. They all listened intently.  


They talked about how Lance's childhood was cut so short, his triggers, his insecurities. Allura apologized for the way she forced the information out of him during training, but Lance honestly didn't mind. He felt so accepted and loved. Eventually, the numbness started to fade away as well, and he just felt so open and clean.

  
The only thing bothering Lance at this point was Keith. He still hadn't said anything, he was just glaring at things. The floor, the ceiling, Lance. Was he just salty that he wasn't the only one on the team who was extremely emotionally constipated, or was it something serious?

 

But Lance tried to focus on the others, who were being so nice and supportive. Allura and Coran were discussing the medical options they had, and Shiro was sharing some of the similar feelings he had so he didn't feel as alone. Pidge was constantly reminding him how important he was, how he really was like a brother to them.

  
And Lance felt happy.

  


 

* * *

 

  


Soon it was time to go to bed. Lance was especially tired after all the crying and soul-baring conversations they had had and just wanted to lay down and get some shut-eye.

  
He was walking to his room, Keith right behind him when the red paladin finally opened his mouth.

  
"Lance?"

  
He turned around at the sound, now facing Keith whose glare had lost some of its intensity.

  
"Yeah, mullet man?" he answered with a tired grin, trying to maybe lighten up the mood. Keith seemed super serious for some reason.

  
"I just wanted to tell you... you can come talk to me. Whenever. Or ask me to spar or something, whatever you want," his voice and face softened, "I care about you, okay? You don't have to be alone in this."

Lance was shocked, and it showed on his face, clearly. Was he dreaming? Was he dead? He was so confused, but a bright smile spread across his face nonetheless. Keith had that effect on him.

  
"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind," he said, and he was pretty sure he was blushing. just a tad.

 

Keith nodded and turned on his heel, walking briskly towards the training room, leaving Lance smiling behind him.

  
Typical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone else ever feel like they're trapped in a tiny corner of their mind and otherwise feel numb, but that little distant corner is just constantly screaming or is it just me? Idk.  
> Anyway, the next chapter will be all about Keith and Lance, finally.  
> ALSO, I feel like Pidge has intense abandonment issues, which is why they act like they do in this.

**Author's Note:**

> Lance's flashbacks and thoughts are basically straight from my life lmao. I love my brain and life.


End file.
